I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
