There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
