I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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