it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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