i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
