hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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