Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
