I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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