How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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