have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
