You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm getting married
To pizza
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
