Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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