Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
