Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
