i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Non-Jews are for practice
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
