dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Randomize
