On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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