if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
