I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
