a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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