Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
