I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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