I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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