I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
