Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
