Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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