i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
