Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
