Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
