dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
