Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
