I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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