The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
