yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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