i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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