She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My balls are so social today.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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