The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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