The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
