Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
