Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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