I need to stop coming to work sober
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
True strength comes from lack of pants
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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