Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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