Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
