He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
