Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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