Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
