It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
