You made me cry and you don't even care
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
