Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Bring me that man meat
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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