I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
