why do cheetos always look like penises
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
